An update, and more crap

So the good news is that I'm down another pound. I know I didn't write last week, and so I've lost track of where I told you I was. Suffice it to say that since I started this program back at the end of January, I'm now down 11.2 pounds. I'm very happy about that. After this past week with Easter, plus an additional day of bad eating, a one pound loss is very satisfying.

My workouts are still going strong. I wish I could be as strong in my food choices all these weeks later as I am with my workouts. But working out has always been easy for me. I'm always motivated to do it. I don't know why. I don't really know what my motivation is. Is it to be healthy? Well, sure, I think so. Is it to be fit? Yes, definitely. But really, in the end, I think I do it because it makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel strong and empowered. I wish I had those feelings about eating well. I wish eating well fueled all those endorphins like exercise does. It would be much easier to stick with it.

Another good thing... on Easter, my husband took a photograph of me and my daughter. I haven't seen a full-length photo of me in a long time, so I was very surprised to see a "me" that I actually liked, and that I actually thought looked skinny. I have never said those words about myself ever in my life, I don't think. So I look at that picture and wonder, "Is this how everyone else always sees me? No wonder they think I'm nuts when I tell them that I need to lose weight." But then I still look at my thunder thighs and think that I'm very lucky that I can hide those under a nice, slimming pencil skirt. I'm just an idiot. Why can't I leave well-enough alone, and appreciate how far I've come, rather than focus on what I still think is wrong with me? I'm so grateful that my six-year-old daughter doesn't know how to find my blog page, because I would never want her knowing that Mommy thinks of herself this way. I always want my daughter to have a positive self-image, and I want her to feel beautiful no matter what size she is. I just wish I could do the same for myself.

So lastly, on to the crap I ate today. I did it again. I was trying so hard to be good, but I got hungry long before lunch, and long after I ate my morning apple snack. Then after work, we went to dinner. And then I ate sweets. Here's the damage from the day, all told.

Breakfast

-1 serving of Cheerios with 6 oz. skim milk

-1 banana

Snack

-1 apple

-10 almonds

Lunch

-mixed greens salad with light balsamic vinaigrette, with carrots, tomatoes, and strawberries

-2 oz. turkey deli meat on 1 slice of light wheat toast with 1 slice of light provolone cheese, melted

-1 serving of low-salt potato chips

-a few bites of my husband's Klondike bar

-1 little Snickers chocolate square

-1 little Butterfingers square

Snack

-6 oz. fat free greek yogurt with 2 packs of Splenda

Dinner

-a "cup" of wedding soup, but I bet it was closer to 2 cups of soup

-grilled chicken on a bed of greens with a fig balsamic vinaigrette (also on the salad were tomatoes, peppers, and cucumbers, fontina cheese, plus these little fried onion strands)

-a slice of bread (which I tried to resist, but gave in and ate at the end of the meal)

Dessert at home

-1/2 of a peanut butter egg that my daughter made with my mom

-a handful of gummie bunnies

I gave up counting points after my yogurt snack. I should probably go back and try to do it, but it sometimes overwhelms me trying to figure out points for things I have no idea how they were prepared.

This weekend is going to be tough, too. It's hubby's birthday on Sunday, and daughter has lots of meals planned, plus there will be cake (which I'll be baking). I should just starve myself tomorrow in preparation (just kidding).

So how bad does my day of crappy eating compare to yours? Would you qualify what I ate today as a day of crappy eating? Am I being too hard on myself? I suspect I often am, but I can't seem to make it stop.

Crap I ate today, Easter edition

As promised, here is my Easter edition of Crap I Ate Today. Amazingly, this totaled (well, as close as I could estimate) about 62 PointsPlus today. I'm only supposed to have 29 PointsPlus per day. I've used those up, and then some, and I've only got 1 weekly PointPlus left. That's not good. Anyway, let's get down to the details.

Breakfast

1 serving of Cheerios with about 7 oz. of skim milk

1 banana

Brunch

1 yogurt parfait (homemade with about 5 oz. total of strawberry and vanilla yogurt, a few teaspoons of granola, and diced strawberries)

1 oatmeal and nutmeg scone (homemade)

1 tsp. of light butter

1 serving of egg, hash brown, and sausage casserole

1 serving of roasted red potatoes (drizzled with olive oil and onion soup mix)

3 oz. ham, trimmed

Snacks/Dessert

4 malted milk balls

6 gummie bunnies

10 M&Ms

1/10th of my homemade strawberry pie

1/20th of my homemade apple pie

Dinner

1 bun

1.3 oz. deli ham

1 slice of light provolone cheese

In all honesty, I wasn't even hungry for dinner. I'm not sure why I ate. I think I felt like I should, just because I knew I'd be hungry later if I didn't eat it then. Was that smart? I don't know. Maybe if I had waited, I would have eaten much lighter. I know that doesn't make sense, but I think it's true. There's a sense of pressure I felt to join hubby and daughter while they both ate. I wanted to join them. Had I waited, and made my own decision later, I bet I wouldn't have eaten, or definitely would have eaten something else that was worth less points. That bun alone was 5 points. Sheesh!

So did you do well today, or did you, too, give in to all the candy and delicious food that was served to you? I'm glad I tracked it, but man, why couldn't I have displayed some self-constraint? I actually went into the day thinking I would only eat a 1/2 serving of each dish at brunch. But that didn't work out so well. I gave in to the temptation of all that good food in front of me. I didn't want to care today. Did you care?

Crap I ate today, part 2

Well, although I weighed in two days ago just a tad below my lowest so far (down a total of 10.2 pounds now), I find myself doing anything I can to sabotage my progress. I don't know why I do this to myself, but I feel like I do it every time. I lose weight, feel that I'm invincible, eat everything in sight, and then gain the weight back. I'm just stupid. And to prove it, here's a list of the crap I ate today.

Breakfast

1 bowl of Cheerios, single serving, with 8 oz. skim milk

1 pack of Splenda

1 banana

Snack

1/2 banana

1 apple

Lunch

2 slices light whole-wheat bread

1 oz. lean deli ham

2 oz. shredded light cheddar cheese

some broccoli

1 serving of hummus

5 Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips

Ok, so far so good, right? You're wondering what my problem is? Well, this is when it went downhill.

Dessert/Snack

7 Sour Patch wormy thingys

1 Granola Thin (have you tried these? awesome, but it's hard to eat just one)

1 snack pack of Skittles

1 homemade scone

Dinner

2 slices of pizza (boboli 100% thin wheat crust with light mozzarella cheese)

1/2 slice of pizza (the fattening kind)

14 6-grain Sun Chips

6 baby carrots with 1 Tbsp. light ranch dressing

1 long, skinny Tootsie Roll

So on Weight Watchers, I'm allowed 29 points per day. Today totaled 41 points. It was a lot of points for eating food that wasn't really worth it. I'm not sure why I did it. It's like I couldn't stop.

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring. It's Easter, and I'm hosting. I've made several yummy dishes and desserts, but I have pre-calculated all of my points, so at least I'll know going into it how many points I'm eating. Stay tuned for tomorrow's "Crap I ate today, Easter edition."

I still can't get on that wagon

I'm having trouble getting back on the wagon. I know, I know, last week at this time, I vowed to get back on and do better. Well, I didn't. I let myself down. I ate crap. Again. When I weighed in on my scale at home this morning, I was up 1.4 pounds to 128.2. Sure, this is a lovely number, and many people would be happy to be there. I'm 75% happy that I'm there. But I'm 100% sad that I keep making poor choices over and over again. I have no confidence in my ability to take control of my eating habits for the rest of my life, and make smart choices all the time. My friend, Molly, says we haven't been doing Weight Watchers long enough to have formed those lifetime habits. I know she's right. I just wish I could stop being so stubborn and stop expecting perfection immediately. I wish I could give myself a little slack on this journey to developing life-long habits. I wish I could learn to love my body and how it functions, no matter what the scale says, or how jiggly my thighs still are. I wish I believed in myself.

Well, enough of that self-pity. Let's talk about exercising. I love to exercise. I'm not sure why. I guess it makes me feel better about myself, and I'm always striving for the day when I can actually notice a difference in my physique because of it. Since I've lost these approximately 10 pounds recently, I have noticed that my mid-section seems more visibly toned. That makes me feel good. And I guess I also have noticed that my butt seems a little more solid or sturdy. I really think that some of the workouts on my Brazil Butt Lift video series have helped a lot in those areas. The 20 minute ab workout is hard, and so are the targeted glute workouts. Even the 50 minute toning workout really feels like it's doing a lot for me. The only workout that I'm not crazy about is the cardio one... it's a 30 minute, mostly low-impact workout. If I'm doing 30 minutes of cardio, I want it to be one where I'm burning a ton of calories, so I usually skip the BBL cardio.

I created a new workout plan for myself. I really wanted to make sure that I was getting in enough strength and toning, along with my cardio, and I wanted to give myself a day of fun. So on Mondays and Wednesdays, I do workouts that target my lower-half, along with at least 20 minutes of high impact cardio. On Tuesdays, I do an upper body strength workout, sometimes accompanied by cardio, depending on what I decided to do the other days of the week. On Thursdays, I go to Zumba where we spend 30 minutes doing cardio while incorporating toning sticks (1.5 pound weights in each hand the whole 30 minutes), and then 30 minutes doing toning, which might focus on upper or lower body or abs, or a combo of all three. I decided on Fridays that I want to do routines that are fun, easy, or different, and then also focus more on my abs on Fridays. So I'm doing yoga, maybe pilates, and usually a 20 minute ab routine. On Saturdays, I take a regular Zumba class for 60 minutes.

So that's my routine. Sunday is my day of rest. And now that the weather is finally breaking, I might actually get to go walking or walk/jogging for my cardio some mornings. I went out one day early this week. It was wonderful to be outside. And I did a 30 minute routine where I walked 3 minutes and jogged 3 minutes, alternately. I haven't done that in a long time, and I was able to do it just fine. I was so happy about that... oh, except I got a side stitch towards the end that I couldn't work through, so I had to walk at the end. I hate those things.

Hopefully this week will prove to be more successful along my weight loss journey. I really want to get down to below 125 pounds before June 6, which is when the farmer's market starts this year. Last year during market season, I had such a hard time keeping up with everything that exercise and eating well kind of went by the wayside. I was just too tired to continue to get up early and work out. I also didn't have time, because when I did wake up early, it would be to bake, not to exercise. So my goals are this: prior to June 6, weigh-in at less than 125 pounds; during the summer, exercise at least 3 times a week, and maintain my weight loss. Can I do it? I have no idea, but I promise myself that I'm going to try. Wish me luck.

I've fallen and I can't get up!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have fallen off the wagon once again. I was doing so well for so long, and now it's all gone to heck in a hay basket (is that a saying? I didn't just make that up, right?).

So let me catch you up. The last time I wrote, I was down to 127.4 on my scale at home. The following week, I was down to 126.6. That day when I weighed in at Weight Watchers, I had reached a total of 10 pounds lost from when I started back at the end of January. I was elated! But then a few days after that, my husband and I spent a long weekend in Lancaster where we stayed at a quaint bed and breakfast. It was wonderful, but we ate way too much junk.

When we arrived, they were serving warm apple pie, cheese, and crackers in the "parlor." Warm apple pie? Oh my gosh, I had died and gone to heaven. I hadn't had apple pie in months, and being an apple pie baker, I'm always very interested in trying others' versions. This one was pretty good. It was a two crust pie that was very cinnamony... oh, wait, this isn't a blog about baking. Ok, let me continue with the crap we ate. That night, we had pasta for dinner. It was a Friday during Lent, so I was limited as to what I could eat anyway. This wasn't bad, but we also splurged and got dessert (at least we split it). The next day, we had breakfast at the B&B, and had lunch at a local pub. The food was really good, and I was happy with my order. But then it went downhill from there. We drove to the local chocolate factory and bought some chocolate that we ate in the car. We also bought some peanut butter and chocolate covered mini pretzels that we bought at a local pretzel making place. Then when we got back to the B&B, there were treats in the parlor again, so we had a slice of chocolate cake. Well, we were so full of junk that at dinner time, we opted for a very small meal at a local cafe. I had a cup of chili and that was it.

On Sunday, we ate breakfast at the B&B (it was sweet French toast this time), then shopped, then had lunch at a Mexican restaurant. I ate too much. It was fabulous, but I just ate too much. And on our way home, we stopped at my in-laws where we had homemade chicken and biscuits, and ate more chocolate.

Well, that weekend totally screwed me up, and I haven't been the same since. The following Thursday, as expected, I was up 1.2 pounds. Now today, I'm back down a little bit, almost to where I was before the Lancaster trip. Although in all honesty, I'm not sure how that happened. I still have been eating stupid things more often than I should. Sure, we can all get away with eating something stupid once in a while, but I find myself everyday dealing with social events that force me to eat things that are higher in fat and calories. Or else I find myself falling so hard off the wagon that I say, "Who cares? I've already done some damage, I might as well keep going," and I end up eating the treats that appear in the kitchen at work, or something bad for me at home.

So this is the point that I'm at now. Today starts a new week in my Weight Watchers tracking, and I vow, as I do every Thursday, to make this week better. I still have about 5 more pounds I'd like to lose, and I know that if I can just stick to it, I'll be fine. But sticking to it is hard when I know that I have upcoming events that will get in the way. It's almost like I let myself be defeated even before I begin. Why do I do this to myself? It's such a rough journey, I just hope that I can come out of it with the results I want, and then find a way to stick to it. But my eating behaviors and choices over the last two weeks have me worried about my ability to maintain this in the long run. I mean, I know what I should be eating. I just find too often that, when I'm faced with food that really tempts me, I don't care about what I should be eating.

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.

Crap I ate today

I'll write more about my progress tomorrow, but today I thought I'd try something new. In the last two weeks, I've found myself continuously eating things I shouldn't be eating, and there's no way I'm going to lose weight, or even maintain this new weight, if I don't get my act together. So I thought that maybe if I admitted to what I ate that was bad for me, as well as say "yay!" for what I ate that was good for me, maybe it will help me stop eating the crap.

What I ate today that I shouldn't have:

-1/2 of a small raisin bagel with less than a tablespoon of cream cheese

-glazed donut with chocolate frosting

-slice of pound cake (which I consumed in three different visits to the kitchen at work)

-1/4 of a nice-sized chocolate chocolate-chip cookie

-1/4 of a nice-sized snickerdoodle

-1 pretzel rod

-a few spoonfuls of spanish rice flavored Rice-A-Roni that I ate while standing over the stove after dinner (this was more like sneaking)

What I ate today that was good for me:

-1 banana

-1 apple

-1 six ounce container of Greek nonfat plain yogurt with 2 packs of Splenda

-1 slice of light whole wheat toast with 2 oz. of deli turkey, no condiment

-1 mixed green salad with shredded carrots and grape tomatoes, and 2 Tbsp. light dressing

-2 pork tacos on corn tortillas (recipe came from Cooking Light)

(UPDATE: After I posted this blog last night, I also ate another banana, and this Nature Valley Granola Thin thingy. I consider both to be on the "good" list. The granola thin only has a 2 PointsPlus value, and that's pretty good for a non-Weight Watchers branded snack [the WW snacks are mostly 2 points as well]. It might be worth of being on the "bad" list, only because I had already had enough bad stuff, I really shouldn't have indulged my craving.)

Granted, when you look at the things I put in the "bad" category, you might not think they're all that bad. But when you're really trying to lose weight, they are the things I should stay away from. The rice, while seemingly innocent, counts as a lot of Weight Watchers Points Plus, so it's not worth it. Not to mention, it's processed, and although not consciously, I like that Weight Watchers has helped me to eat much less processed food. So it's in the "bad" category because it's high in points, and because it's processed.

Is this normal? Do you eat like this? I mean, in all honesty, on a normal day when I'm not trying to watch what I eat so closely, this is pretty normal for me. But maybe that's my problem.