Starting over

I was with my friend today (fellow blogger Facie of Facie's Ramblings), and she asked me if I was ever going to write in this blog again, and I told her it has been on my to-do list for over a month now. I've been so busy that it's been hard to get back into the routine, but because my weight has reached a do-or-die point for me, I figured it's time to start writing again. I need to get back on that wagon.

I re-read my last post, which, coincidentally was exactly six months ago today, and I was in envy of my 129 pound weigh-in, and disappointed that I haven't lived up to my vow that I wouldn't let this holiday season bring me down by gaining weight, but guess what happened? Yes, the pounds are back. I'm now up to 136 as of this morning, and I'm so mad at myself for not trying harder. Disappointed in myself for not being able to control myself. Discouraged at my lack of willpower. If you've been reading this blog from the beginning almost a year ago, you know that a few years back, I did Weight Watchers and went from 142 pounds down to 127. And now here I am at 136, almost 10 pounds heavier than I was after losing that weight. How did this happen?

I think it's my baking career that is sabotaging my weight loss and/or maintenance plans. I must admit that before I started HappyJack Bakery, I would eat a lot of cookie dough, or cake batter, or cheesecake before it went in the oven, or whatever, when I would bake. But once I started baking "professionally" (if you can call it that), I stopped that nonsense because every piece I put in my mouth was less money in my pocket. But the thing that killed me all summer were the leftovers. If I didn't sell out of a certain cookie one week, I would repack it, freeze it, and try to sell it the next week. But I didn't do that for more than one week, so after that second week, if it still didn't sell, Jack and I would eat the leftovers. I couldn't let them go to waste, and I didn't want to share them with my friends at work at that point because some of those people were actually buying fresh cookies off of me. It just didn't seem right. So I ate a lot more cookies this summer than I normally would.

Once the farmer's market ended, I thought I'd be able to get back to normal, but October was busy with volleyball (Jack coaches, and I help in whatever way he needs me to), then I caught a bad cold in November and felt crappy for about three weeks. And then the holiday baking started. So there hasn't been time for me to recuperate from the summer, and even worse, the pounds just keep coming. They're coming slowly, but they're coming regardless. I have to put an end to it.

But not quite yet. Do you know anyone that has been able to successfully diet during the holidays with all those cookies everywhere? I can't deprive myself like that, especially when I love cookies as much as I do. But come January 1, I'm back on the wagon.

I recently purchased a new DVD workout series called Brazil Bikini Lift. I'm anxious to start the program. There is cardio, lower body workouts, abs—the typical set of workouts. I tried the ab routine the other day, and I was shocked at how much I hurt the next day. I was very excited by this because it seemed that I was working my abs in ways, or harder, than I have been. That kind of pain is good. It also comes with a 30-day eating plan, and workout plan for my butt type (which is pear-shaped, in case you were wondering... I was shocked at how easy it was to pick out my butt type from the little illustrations provided). I'm encouraged because the foods in the eating plan are very typical foods that I eat, so I'm hoping it will be easy to stick to. The meals total about 1200 calories per day, and that includes at least one or two snacks. I know that if I can stick to 1200 calories per day, or even 1500 calories, I will lose weight. And if I can do it for a month, even if I only lose one pound per week, I'll be down five pounds by February, and that will give me the motivation I need to lose another five.

My goal is to get to 125 pounds and maintain that weight without struggling to maintain it. I'm another year older than I was last year, and I know it gets harder and harder each year to lose weight. I'm hoping that I can find the motivation and determination to get it done, and not mess it up this time. I'm really disgusted that I've been able to feel my skin touch my belt on my back lately; I think this means that I've gained weight around my love handles and perhaps they're sticking out a little further than before, and are now rubbing against my belts. And my jeans are more snug. But I refuse to buy new pants. I'm going to lose 10 pounds. It's not hard. I just need to commit, and just do it.

And come January 1, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Time does funny things to us

So it's been two weeks since I've written about my progress. Guess why that is? Yes, you guessed it. I haven't been as successful these last couple of weeks as I had been. There are many, many reasons why, but let me start with the stats.

Back on June 2, I weighed in at 129.4 pounds. The next week, I was up to 129.8, then the following week, went down to 129.6. Today, I weighed in at a solid 129.0 pounds. So my overall goal is in jeopardy. I'm about 1/2 pound behind schedule. But today, I don't care. Let me tell you why.

My life has been a whirlwind these last couple of weeks. I started a new business, baking from my kitchen and selling my treats at the local farmer's market (www.happyjackbakery.com). It's been a lot of fun, but is very time consuming. And this is affecting my diet and exercise plans. On Thursdays, I now run errands in the morning with Lila, mostly for the bakery, buying supplies and ingredients. Thursday afternoons consist of baking, so I have limited time to make dinner. But for the most part, I have been able to keep up. But then on Saturdays and Sundays, I have little time to cook, nor do I have the energy, because I'm up baking at 6 am, done around 2 or 3 pm, but have no desire at that point to cook anything. So lunches and dinners on the weekends haven't been very controllable, and when I know that I can't control what I'm eating (i.e., we're eating out or I'm just throwing something together without a recipe), I'm less inclined to try to count the calories. Not to mention, counting calories takes a lot of time, and as you can guess, I have no time. So the counting of calories has gone to the wayside, and when I'm not counting calories, I'm not losing weight. I've learned that for me, the two go hand-in-hand.

I'm also realizing, too, that on a day that I'm baking, I'm burning a lot of calories just because I'm standing for hours on end. So I've decided that I'm not going to work out any more (at least not until the farmer's market is over in September) on Thursdays, Saturdays, Sundays, or Mondays. These are days that I'm either baking, or at the market (and therefore going to my regular job extra early since I have to leave early for the market), and are therefore days that I don't NEED to exercise because my calorie burn is naturally getting up to 2300 or even 2600 sometimes, depending on the day. Not to mention, I am now working seven days a week, with no day off (four days at my "real" job, and three days on the bakery), so I figured I better lighten up on the workouts to give my body some kind of rest, or I might just keel over from exhaustion.

Anyway, the bottom line is, while I am watching, I'm not counting, so therefore I'm not trying very hard. So any loss is a big deal to me, and I'm grateful that my body is cooperating. I'll be happy if I can maintain this 129 pound weight for the rest of the summer, and then maybe try to tackle those last 4 pounds in the fall before the holidays. And I SWEAR that I'm not going to gain it all back this holiday season. The bakery business is helping me learn self-control over eating everything I bake, so hopefully that same drive will help me control myself come December.

I was a little worried

I have no statistics to share with you this week. I couldn't count calories over the long weekend, so my bodybugg stats are out of whack for this week. I can tell you, though, that on average, I burned 2391 calories per day. For the most part, on days when I'm counting calories, my intake is around 1400. But I'm certain that over that long weekend, I was probably consuming about as much as I was burning. This is why I was worried. Well, not too worried, but worried a bit. I was prepared to get on the scale this morning, and have it read the same as last week (130.6 pounds). I figured it was impossible for me to have lost weight this past week. But much to my surprise, and total happiness, I was down 1.2 pounds to 129.4. So my total weight loss since May 5 is now 6.2 pounds.

It's been a nice couple of days, too. I've had several people comment on how thin I look, including my mom, which is unusual (although I'm sure her tone of voice was more, "you're too thin, you need to eat something"). I totally appreciate these comments, and they mean a lot. But it is amazing how what we wear can make a huge difference in how we look. Personally, if you saw me naked, I don't think you'd be saying that I looked thin. I mean, not that I look fat. I think I look normal, but certainly not thin. But maybe my view of what "thin" looks like is just distorted.

At any rate, I'm sailing along happily with my new eating plan. I've been successful, and that makes all the difference in the world. It keeps me motivated to stick with it. At this rate, I will reach my goal by the end of June. And I think at that time, I can switch back to my New Year's Resolutions to maintain my weight... small portions, no nibbling, and no sweets. Now, I may not be as strict on the nibbling and sweets, but I really need to be careful and not overdo it, because it is so easy for me to stop paying attention and just eat whatever I want. But all of those cookies and desserts I make.... cookies have at least 100 calories each, and the desserts are typically about 400 calories per piece (slice of pie, etc.). Now that I know that, I think I can control myself a little bit better.

Stay tuned. I hope to have continued success that I can share with you.

Slow and steady wins the race

Calories burned: 2241

Calories consumed: 1523

Calorie deficit: 718

These numbers above are my averages for the past week. According to this, if you do the math, I should have lost 1.4 pounds, and guess what? When I got on the scale this morning, I was down 1.4 pounds from last week. That's good news, as it means that I've been accurately tracking my calories consumed, even in the wake of a lunch at Fat Head's, a dinner at Hofbrau Haus, and a lunch at my mother-in-laws where I had to guess at quantities and ingredients. And the good news on top of all of that is that I still got to enjoy a nice piece of homemade cheesecake on Sunday night, as well as a few Rice Krispy Treats over the weekend. It is amazing how, when you set your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. I didn't think I'd ever see the day when I'd be able to drop some pounds, but it's working, and I'm halfway to my goal of losing ten pounds. And it hasn't been that hard.

Now, of course, every weekend poses threats to this plan, and this upcoming long holiday weekend is no different. Friday evening, my brother and his family are coming to stay with us, and prior to arrival, they're stopping at my favorite pizza joint in Bridgeville. It will be hard to contain myself to just eating one slice, but for the sake of my diet, I need to try. I'm also going to bake them a peach custard pie, which I will have a hard time resisting a nice slice of. Sure, I'll eat a small sliver, but it will take restraint to not let that sliver turn into a big piece, which is what I'd really rather have. Then on Saturday, it's our annual day of fun in West Virginia, and for that I always make a batch of chocolate chip cookies. In addition, we're out in the middle of nowhere, with only a campfire and a cooler, so I'm very limited as to what I can actually eat, and it's hard for it all to be good for me and low in calories. Sunday and Monday are unplanned at this point, but the more days I have away from the routine of the office, the more likely I am to mess it all up.

Friday morning, I'll still be able to work out, but I suspect I might not be able to fit it in on Saturday. I'm planning to walk on Sunday morning with a friend, where I can get out early before our guests even wake up, so that I'm back in time to make everyone pancakes for breakfast. I've really been determined to make every workout burn at least 300 calories, and often that means working out for a longer period of time. But that's hard to manage when you have a house full of guests. We'll see. Hopefully I can fit it all in, because with all of the poor eating I expect to be happening this weekend, I can't afford to have poor workout habits, too. If that happens, I guarantee it ends up being a week with no weight loss, and I'm on a roll. I don't want to stifle that.

And one last note: today is treat day at the office and someone brought in donuts. Damn those donuts! I'm not giving in, I swear! But I LOVE me some donuts!!!

The math kind of worked

Today was another weigh-in day. I was up 0.4 pounds from last week, weighing in at a solid 132 today. But this was shocking to me. I've been diligently tracking my food, even on days when I thought it would be hard to account for my meals (e.g., Monday we had a catered breakfast at work where I ate some baked French toast, a piece of a frittata, a slice of bacon, and some fruit). I feel like I've estimated pretty well, or at least fairly close to what I actually ate. And my calorie burns have been fantastic.

So let's look at the numbers. Over the past 7 days, I averaged 2375 calories burned per day; 1454 calories consumed per day; which results in an average 921 calorie deficit per day. So, if you take that 921 calories per day times the 7 days, that equals 6447 calories, and if you divide that by 3500 (the number of calories in one pound of fat), you get 1.8, which is how many pounds I should have lost this past week. Yet I had a 0.4 gain.

Now, on the plus side, even though I had a 0.4 pound gain, I did lose a few tenths of a % of fat.

But remember last week, I was shocked that I lost four pounds, because the math just didn't add up. I was worried that that four pound loss wasn't real. Well, now that I weighed in this week, I can conclude that that loss wasn't real. I've stopped weighing myself every day, so I don't know what day it creeped back up a bit. But if you take into account the last 14 days statistics, the result matches where I am at this point.

For those of you interested in the mathematical details, here's what I mean. Over the last 14 days, I have had an average deficit of 776 calories. So take that 776 and multiply it by the 14 days, and you get 10,864 calories. Divide that by the 3500, and you get 3.1 pounds. So, over the last 14 days, I should have lost 3.1 pounds. And guess what I've lost, according to the number I weighed in with today? 3.6 pounds. So I'm only off by a 1/2 pound, and in the positive direction, thank goodness.

So while I normally might have been upset about not having dropped any weight this week, I knew that last week's loss was too good to be true. And I'm satisfied with a 3.6 pound loss over the course of just two weeks. I'm working out harder than usual and more often than usual; I'm trying not to miss a day or slack off at all. And I'm really sticking to maintaining an intake below 1500 calories per day. This is going well.

Talk to me again next Wednesday, after having done this for another week, and see how I'm doing. If there isn't a loss next week, and I keep up with my eating and workouts this week, I will be totally confused and frustrated. Let's hope it doesn't get to that point.

So far, so good

It's been a week now since I hopped back on this wagon. Today was the first day I stepped on the scale since last Wednesday. I was nervous, excited, and scared all at the same time. What if I hadn't dropped any pounds? What if I went up in weight? I didn't think those things could possibly happen, so I was fearful of my state of mind if they did actually happen.

Fortunately, I had nothing to worry about, as I ended up losing four pounds in the past week! Yay, me! This is an enormous motivator to continue down this path. At the start of any weight loss plan, I always feel that, without a noticeable improvement early on, I tend to get defeated. I swore I wasn't going to let that happen this time, so even if I had only lost one pound, I think I would have still continued, but having lost four pounds just motivates me to keep at it more than anything else could motivate me. This loss is a symbol of what I can accomplish if I just set my mind to it. And the great thing is, it wasn't very hard. Sure, I have been hungry now and again throughout the day, but I think that for me, that's almost a requirement in order to lose weight. How can I lose weight if I never feel hungry, because I'm eating too much at each meal? That's what happened back in the spring, I think. I was eating more than I needed to, just because I could, without going over my calorie burn for the day. But as a result, it prevented me from losing much weight. Remember how much I struggled to just drop one pound? And now I've dropped four in one week!

This time around, I've decided to stick to my 1500 calorie intake goal, rather than let it fluctuate based on how much I worked out. This seems to be working. Also, back in the spring when I was more focused on just maintaing a deficit, when I had calories that I could still consume for the day, I didn't pay close attention to the make-up of those calories—I was eating more junk. But this time around, I'm paying attention. If I have calories to spare, I'm craving things like nuts, or dried fruit. I'm not craving a cookie.

But I still find it hard to resist a good cookie. So I've taken care to input my homemade cookie recipes into my bodybugg program so that I know exactly how many calories each one is. And I've discovered that most of my cookies are about 100 calories per cookie. When you're trying to stay below 1500 a day, every calorie counts, so now I'm just eating one, instead of the typical three or four I might have eaten before. Sure, I wish that I could eat more, but I'm ok with this. I still get to eat the cookie. I'm happy that I can even eat one. I'm trying to savor that goodness.

So here are some interesting statistics. My daily average calorie burn for the past week was 2270 calories. Based on my food log, my average intake was 1412 calories, which leaves me with an average deficit of 858 calories. Now, remember from posts back in the winter, one pound of fat equals 3500 calories. So, if I had a deficit of 858 for 7 days, that would equal a total deficit of 6006 calories for the last week, which equals 1.7 pounds. But I lost four pounds. So my bodybugg program does this calculation and says, ok, I know that you burned 2270 calories a day for the past week. And I know that you lost four pounds, which equals 14,000 calories. So the program says that for this statement to be true (burned 2270 calories a day, and lost four pounds, which is what my scale said this morning), my daily calorie intake could only have been 770 calories. But I know that's not true. Granted, I've really been cautious about what I've eaten. Breakfast is less than 200 calories, my lunch salad is about 150 calories, a daily apple is maybe 100 calories, yogurt is about 100 calories... these are things I eat practically every day, so breakfast, lunch, and two snacks is about 550 calories, and I'm certain that my dinners and other incidentals throughout the day are totaling more than 220 calories (the difference between 770 and 550).

I'm not sure what to make of this discrepancy. I weighed myself twice this morning. So I'm pretty certain my scale is correct. But mathematically, there's no way I could have lost four pounds. I guess I'm just going to have to chalk this one up as a mystery and not worry about it. I'm so grateful that I have a good starting point to go from today. I have a day off tomorrow, which could be dangerous, and then the weekend, which is guaranteed to tempt me in ways I can't even predict right now. And then next week, we have a catered breakfast at work one day, which will be very hard for me, as breakfast foods are my favorite foods to eat. And we're also meeting a friend for lunch at Fat Head's one day next week. For those of you not from Pittsburgh, the name alone should provide a clue that it will be very difficult for me to eat a low-calorie meal there. It will be a struggle. But I'm not going to disappoint myself by giving in, but I'm not going to deprive myself, either. I'm going to practice moderation, and I will succeed. I have to.

Day 1 really started on Wednesday

In my post on Monday, I said that "tomorrow is Day 1." Well, I'm not sure if I really meant that when I said it. Turns out that by the end of the day Tuesday, I was determined to make the next day be Day 1 of starting over on this quest to lose 10 pounds.

Wednesday morning, I woke up with new resolve. I decided that since I still have some free time left on my bodybugg online subscription, I might as well suck it up and try to count calories again. I dread counting calories, though. However, I've realized over the last few weeks that if I don't hold myself accountable to something, I don't feel the pressure to stick within the boundaries that I've set for myself. In other words, just saying, "don't eat sweets," doesn't seem to do it for me as far as getting me on a weight loss plan. It might work for maintaining my weight, but not for trying to lose. But somehow, saying I can only eat 1500 calories in a day, and then tracking it... well, that seems more concrete to me and is a goal I can meet. So as much as I hate to count, I'm trying it again.

Both on Wednesday and Thursday, I was able to stay below 1500 calories consumed. And both days, I was above my goal of burning 2000 calories (which would provide me with at least a 500 calorie deficit), so my average deficit over the two days so far as been higher. In fact, yesterday I burned 1000 more calories than I took in. Go me!

Back in the spring when I was tracking my calories using the bodybugg program, I was very lenient with what I was eating. My goal back then was to maintain a 500 calorie deficit, and not worry about how many calories I took in, as long as I burned 500 more than that. But that plan didn't really work. I barely lost the weight I was supposed to have lost (what was supposed to be one pound a week turned into maybe three pounds lost over the course of several months). So this time around, my goal is to stick to the 1500 calories a day, regardless of my burn. Then hopefully on those days when my burn is high, it will make up for the day or two that I don't work out, or that I end up eating a little more than the 1500.

According to my program at bodybugg.com, if I plan to lose one pound a week, I will have lost these 10 pounds by July 13. That's 10 weeks, or 70 days. I'm taking this one day at a time, so I'm happy to report that I've successfully made it through 2 out of 70 days. Only 68 days left. I can do this. The other good thing this time around is that I've changed my weigh-in day. I used to weigh in on Mondays, which any dieter will tell you is a hard day to weigh in. We tend to splurge a bit more on the weekends, and when you weigh in on Mondays, you don't give yourself any time to make up for the indulgences of the weekend. So hopefully this will help me to be more successful this time as well.

Lastly, I do worry about the weekends. Things at home are not structured or routine, and we tend to socialize around meals often. In fact, tonight we're going to dinner with friends, and tomorrow we're going to lunch with my in-laws. I've already planned what I'm going to order, but sometimes the situation turns me into an idiot and I make the wrong choices. I hope I don't do that this time around. I really want to lose this weight, gosh darn it.

So for anyone interested, here are my stats from the last two days:

Wednesday

Calories burned: 2373

Calories consumed: 1539

Calorie deficit: 834

Thursday

Calories burned: 2493

Calories consumed: 1447

Calorie deficit: 1046