Cholesterol

I had bloodwork done a couple of months ago. I was due. It had been over three years since the last time I had my cholesterol checked. The last time, my doctor said it was high, but that my HDL was really, really good, so he wasn't concerned. This time around, though, my LDL was also high, and my doctor (different from last time) told me that I need to go on a low-fat diet (this is kind of ironic, because I do eat low-fat foods when I can).

I listened to her for about the first week. Then I quit trying.

I always quit trying. And then I hate myself. And then I see myself with probably 40 pounds more than I have on my body. I just can't seem to see myself the way the rest of the world sees me. I don't understand it. I don't know why I'm flawed this way. 

So what do I do about this high cholesterol thing? I want to eat better than I do. I really do. I eat pretty well, for the most part, but often I just throw in the towel and give up trying. Sometimes it's just too hard to do it right all the time. There's not enough time. I don't have enough energy. I've contemplated calling a nutritionist. What I really want is someone that I can talk to. I want to tell them this:

I like to work out. I'm not afraid to lift heavy weights. My goal is to weigh 125 pounds, and be very toned. But I also like to eat. Here's the foods I like to eat: chicken, hamburgers, pasta, mexican, chinese, italian, cheese, cereal, apples, bananas, grapes, avocado, tomatoes, green beans, rice, etc., etc. Can you help me to create a meal plan using the foods I love that will help me to lose weight at a rate of 1 to 2 pounds per week? Provide me with recipes for foods I like and can actually prepare, and that actually taste good. Help me determine how much cardio and weight training I need to be doing every day to reach my goal.

This seems like a simple request, right? I'm sure it's run-of-the-mill normal stuff for most nutritionists. I just need to be willing to pick up the phone and call someone. Life gets so busy, and I put this on the back burner. But every day that I do that is another day that I hate my body. I continue to sabotage myself by throwing caution to the wind and just eating mindlessly. 

And then my age... I'm 44 years old. I feel like, yet again, my body is going through changes. It's just getting harder and harder to maintain my weight. I'm not succeeding at this. Every week that I get on the scale, it's up again. Maybe just a tad, but a tad every week will result in 10 pounds by the end of the year, and that will just devastate me.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I am so busy, with so much to do, and I shouldn't be spending my time writing this blog entry. But here I am anyway. It's mini therapy, kind of. 

Anyway, before I go, here is my positive thing for the day—the thing I like about my body: I think I can wear clothes well. I know what looks best on me, and I know what flatters my figure. I think that most people see me as a thin, petite woman because I know how to hide my flaws. So I'll leave it at that, before I go all negative again. I like the way I look in most clothes I own. Yay!