My post-stomach-virus weight loss didn't last, as I'm sure comes as no surprise. I'm back up to 133. Sure, it's not a terrible number, but it's not the number I want my weight to be. When I look in the mirror, I see fat. Today, I put on a pair of shorts I wear for exercising that I haven't worn in a while. I was obsessed with the way my stomach flab inched out slightly over the top of the shorts. Yes, I said slightly, and yes, I realize that some people may read that and think, "Girlfriend, be grateful it's only slightly!" But I hate it. And I hate the way my hips always look like they've got two inches of fat on each side. And I hate when I can feel my legs rub together when I walk around in my robe. Then I ask myself, "At what weight do you think all of those things would disappear?" And honestly, I bet there is no amount I could weigh where I didn't obsess about these stupid things. And yes, I realize they're stupid, and yes, I realize it's not logical, but damn it, why can't I make it stop? Why can't I look in the mirror and see a pretty woman in her early 40s? All I see is a pock-marked face that looks awful without makeup, and fat. Oh my goodness, do I need some therapy or what?
Well, let me get off that soap box and try to get my head back into reality. On the good side, I've had a few days where my calorie burn has been phenomenal. One day last week, I burned over 3000 calories in one day. That was a record for me. And it wasn't even hard to reach that point. I had an extra long workout (1.5 hours), but other than that, it was business as usual. The other good thing is that after the weekend of April 16 when Jenny and Mathias came up for a visit, I still maintained my 133 pounds after having eaten out for every meal but one.
But it is all catching up to me now. I'm still exercising as usual, but I'm thinking I might need to try, yet again, to lose some weight. I realize this can't be healthy for me, physically or emotionally, but I just haven't been feeling great lately. I think we've been eating out way too much in the last month, and that makes me feel bloated and fat, and on top of that, I've been baking a lot, which, in turn, leads to a lot of needless eating of sweets. I've often been tempted to just give up on sweets completely, but I don't know how I could possibly run a bakery business if I didn't eat sugar. I have to be able to sample my stuff.
So here we go again. I'm going to try to get back on the wagon. One day at a time, we'll see how long it will last.
I'm such a joke, aren't I? :)
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