I'm so sad right now. All the hard work that I put into losing weight earlier this year has caught back up with me, and I'm back to the 136 pounds I started at back in January. I'm so mad at myself. I'm disappointed in myself. Why can't I do this? Several years ago, my husband decided to try to lose weight. All he did was cut back on how much he ate, and he lost like 20 pounds. And guess what? He's still at that same weight. Over those years that he's maintained, I've gained, lost, and gained again. And I'm supposed to be the healthy one... the weight-conscious one.... the one that puts a lot of thought into the meals we eat... the one that controls what our daughter eats. Yet look at me. I'm a mess. A stupid mess.
Now you may say, "Oh my gosh, listen to you. You're complaining about being 136 pounds. That's nothing. That's not overweight." And I understand those words. And I still fit in my pants (although a little more snugly than before). But my underwear are tighter. And I hate the way I look when I'm naked. I realize that no one else, for the most part, sees me when I'm naked, so why should I care so much? For me, it's just reinforcing how I've always felt about myself. When I lost the weight earlier this year, I was so elated. I was very content with how I looked, clothed and unclothed. I would be happy for the rest of my life about my body image if I could have just stayed there. But no, I had to eat myself into a sugar coma, and gain all of that weight back, forcing me to, once again, see myself as the blechy person I've always seen myself as. And now I'm sad.
I don't know why I struggle so much with this. I don't know why it's so hard for me. I don't know why it was so easy to lose the weight, but so hard to keep it off. But I have to do something. We're leaving in two weeks for DisneyWorld, and I really wanted to be down a few pounds before that trip. I'm not planning on splurging when I'm there... I really just want to eat well, and not overindulge. I pray that I can stick to that plan, because I will be so depressed if I come back weighing more. Maybe I need to get back to Weight Watchers. It really seemed to help in the beginning, although once I reached that plateau, nothing seemed to help anymore. Maybe if I can get back down to 126 again, I can... oh, who knows. I guess I should take this one step at a time. I realize that trying to do this at the holidays is going to be extra hard, and in a way, I think why set myself up for failure? But then at the same time, I think if I don't do something now, I might be 5 pounds heavier by January, and that will really hurt.
If you are able to maintain your weight, how do you do it? Do you ever treat yourself? Do you like sweets? How do you give up the stuff you love so much, that's so bad for you? Maybe if I had something that could give me an electric shock every time I went for a cookie, I would eventually learn not to go for the cookie. :)
Well, until the next time I feel depressed enough to write out my thoughts....
