I find it truly amazing that for the last 13 years, I have said countless times, "I hate being 137 pounds. If I could just lose 10 pounds, I'd be so happy." I have documented proof: seeing a personal trainer in 2001, and documenting my workouts and journaling my food; seeing a nutritionist at one point; the several times I've done Weight Watchers over the years, some attempts more successful than others; seeing another nutritionist; etc., etc.
I'm tired of it. I'm sure you're tired of hearing me whine about it. I'm sorry. I now have a new thing I'm trying. I started reading a book by Rachel Cosgrove called "The Female Body Breakthrough." I've only read a few pages so far, so I can't tell you what the breakthrough is all about, but already, it's given me some food for thought regarding my body.
She recommends journaling. I know for a fact that when I track what I eat, I'm more likely to eat less. But I'm sure you're not totally interested in what I eat every day. So how can I write what I'm eating on a consistent basis in this blog, and not bore you to death? Maybe I need to not care. Maybe the blog is for me, and if someone else gets something out of it, then all the better. She also says to not only write about what you've eaten, but how you felt. Well, I'm good with expressing my emotions, so perhaps I'll focus on that.
But the other thing that she mentions that you need to stop doing is body bashing. I do this all the time. While I know that others see my figure as lovely and shapely, I see every flaw, and I hate every flaw. I hate that my stomach has become a little doughy over the last six months. I'm not sure what's causing that, as I've not really changed my diet, and I go to the gym consistently five or six times a week. But it's there. And I don't like it. And I hate my thighs. At least over time, I have grown to accept the wide trunk God has given me, and I actually don't see it as wide as I used to, so I guess that's a step in the right direction.
However, I need to stop the body bashing. I know it. So I will try to focus on the positive. And you'll see that here, I hope. And maybe if I say positive things enough times, I'll start to believe it, and I won't be so obsessed with those 10 pounds that just don't ever want to come off. But if I can get them to walk out the door, well, that will be an accomplishment.
So I guess my goals are as follows:
1. Read the Rachel Cosgrove book.
2. Start to follow the nutrition and exercise plan in the book.
3. Journal about what I've learned in the book, what I've eaten and how I was feeling, and about something positive about my body.
4. Lose 10 pounds by the end of 2013.
My positive body observation of the day: I had a mani/pedi today, and I must admit, I really like my toes. I think they're shapely, the nails are nice, and they look awesome when they're all fixed up and painted. They're a lovely shade of blue.
What did I eat today, and how do I feel about it? I had cereal for breakfast, but then snuck in a small serving of Reese's Puffs. For lunch, I had turkey on whole wheat, light mayo, lettuce, and tomato, plus some low-fat potato chips, low-fat cottage cheese, and 1/2 of an apple. After the mani/pedi, I had an ice cream cone. For dinner, I had leftover meatloaf, brown rice, and green beans (light butter and salt on the rice and beans). I also had two squares of Hershey's Bliss dark chocolate. Right now, at 9:30 pm, I'm starving, and will likely have some air popped popcorn for a snack, but it will need butter. I use the good stuff on the popcorn. One tablespoon. Is that bad? I don't know. At least it's natural. Overall, I guess I feel ok about what I ate. The doctor tells me my cholesterol is high and that I should be on a low-fat diet. My meatloaf was made with 90% lean beef. Everything else was low-fat anyway, except the ice cream. I don't know what to do about that. I'm mad about the cholesterol thing, and I know at some point soon, I have to acknowledge it and address it. But I'm ignoring it for now. Anyway, at least I made it to the gym this evening to try to work off some of that ice cream cone. But yeah, I guess I'm mad at myself for never having the willpower to eat better. Enjoying an ice cream cone with my daughter on our special day together means more to me than the number on the scale. At least in the heat of the moment, it does. But then later, like now, I regret it. I just really want to have my cake and eat it, too.
And on that note, I'll stop this nonsense and let you get on with your life. Thanks for reading. I hope to keep up with journaling. Maybe it will help me be more aware of everything... what I'm putting in my body, how I feel about my body, and how I feel about myself. It would be nice to be able to love myself someday.
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